Posted on April 18, 2018
Monday night - From Julie:
Membership into clubs or organizations is something I’ve always enjoyed, but I’d really like to turn this one down. As I sit silently next to her, memories flood my heart... her first smile, steps, all the friends, laughing, car rides, holidays, more laughing and tears. It’s going to suck. I looked for a verse ... something to sum up a reason, or allowance but I just see nothing that is able to ease this for us. More memories... I try to recall something profound about God that I shared with my Kiley, “I remember fixing her hair- Pre-Hartlee days, and telling her to go get her black and white bow. She said, at age 3, black and white like Jesus? I nod... understanding how she came to this... ... Tim looked at me puzzled and I ignored him realizing in that moment kiley could connect with me... on a different plane. I’ve had pain before, and I am accepting that as before, this is not going to be easy. It’s always going to suck. I will miss that laugh every day, and all of this sadness is going to be with us... but.... we can go on. We will, and we can. It’s still our choice to be crushed or be courageous. We Choose courage. Please don’t feel sorry or pity us. I wouldn’t trade the 27 years of having Kiley in this life. We will stay connected. It has been my honor that I got to learn from her, and enjoy life through her heart. Yes, this hurts. She is prepared, we remain faithful. I placed Kiley’s hand on my heart... connected .....this is us, I have told her I will be right behind her, like always.... and we will always be connected. She is connected with others... Hartlee, Kevin, Dawson and many more. Bonded before she had her first breath and forever after as well. Yes I’m scared, for all of us and I’ll try to be comforted by scripture... And well meaning encouragement. It is still going to suck. No one has to try to find the perfect words, there are none. Words mean nothing ..... and none of them will ease this ...And please don’t worry, if you say something anyway.... and please do....We really can’t hear you, the only sound is the nothing.... the ugly void of loss that feels like nothing.... I’ve heard it before but I know this time it will make me deaf. I just know, sucky things happen, and God didn’t want this. I know God heard all our prayers and He gave us time, precious time. He wanted something else, and maybe we will not see this for a while, but we will remain faithful, courageous,connected, together always. We will go on, this has changed me forever, if it has changed someone or something please tell us! Help us find the part of this that makes sense.....please!looks like this membership card is for all of us in some ways....and it’s going to suck. “Red and yellow black and white” they are precious in his sight... Jesus loves the little children of the world... Black and white, like Jesus.