Posted on July 24, 2017
Posted on July 24, 2017Am I there yet?
Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and supported me emotionally and other ways these past 18+ months. I am sorry I haven't written very much in the way of updates, most of my willpower has been focused on my diet and dealing with the many changes happening with my living situation and my personal and professional life hasn't left much energy for anything else.
For the past month I have had the opportunity to dive deeper into my healing and the extra personal time has given me the space to come to some deep realizations about myself and my motivation for doing things. It hasn't been easy, but within the darkness there has been some genuine healing and it's unearthed some old grief and trauma that I'm grateful I've had the time to sit with and come to a place of peace within it. In the past I've used various things to numb me out to the pain I was feeling instead of taking the time to actually deal with the issues. To sit with it, own it and wrestle with it or release it. I'm releasing a lot between moving out of my apartment and into the next chapter of my life.
Recent circumstances opened me up the loss I have been feeling and I've realized it echoes a wound that I had been unconsciously carrying all this time. In my late twenties I had a significant relationship end and I turned to alcohol to numb myself to the grief and loss I was feeling. I was fortunate to have had friends who tolerated me until I finally got out of it but I'm not sure anyone knows just how close to edge I was at that time. I've had a hard time reconciling the deaths of the some of the musicians who's music got me through that time. It's only recently I opened up to others that I have had suicidal thoughts in the past and this cancer journey has brought some of that up to review again from a more mature perspective. Especially dealing with something as dire as a cancer diagnosis. I am grateful for that little voice in my head which has prevented me from going down that path and I am also grateful for that day when I decided to stop drinking alcohol. 6 months after that date I had my first Bikram Yoga Class. Bikram Yoga led to my meditation practice and my meditation practice keeps my mind healthy. I've used alcohol, yoga, my work, and food to numb my feelings so the fruit/grape fast brought a lot of that up for me to pay attention to in a new way.
I am glad I found Dr. Robert Morse and his regenerative detoxification program. I'm a little tired of grapes at this point, but I may take a break and pick it up at a later date again. See if I can go deeper next time. Today I can barely feel the lump. I know even once the lump disappears there may be small cells still there and I will probably get more blood work and tests at the end of the year. I no longer have health insurance and while that's a little scary, it's not like I used it a whole lot while I had it. The herbal supplements I am taking cost about 450$ a month which is significantly less than the cost of the medications they wanted to put me on, and the physical cost is much less too. My lymph system is doing it's job and shrinking the tumor. It's been a lot to live with every day but the fruits, berries and melons and herbs are helping my body to heal from the inside out. Grateful for that. I am getting used to thinking of myself as a cancer survivor instead of a victim and that feels amazing. I will continue my medicine journey and am grateful for all my medicine path family and friends who remind me how grateful I am for my life and how lucky I am to have found the people who can help me remember how to heal. Connection heals as much as any supplement and I am grateful I have that in my life.
My application was accepted for temporary residency at Jikoji Zen Retreat Center and I am looking forward to having more time and a supportive community to continue the healing that is happening for me on many levels. There will be plenty of time for self reflection and my hope is that it will help me get to a more balanced place in the work, play and spiritual growth needs that my body so desperately needs at this time.
I believe I've made it through the hardest part, but I could still use your support to get me through the final stretch. I am no longer managing the yoga studio and teaching yoga isn't a financially lucrative position but I love the energy it gives me. I have been reassessing my situation and thinking about where my life will take me while being open to the gift in the present moment. I am grateful to be alive. I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but today was a pretty good day. I can live with that. Thank you for your support!
Posted on May 3, 2017
Posted on May 3, 2017Regenerative Detoxification & The Raw Fruit Diet
I started taking a new herbal protocol 12 days ago, in addition to the dietary changes I made shifting to a vegan diet and maintaining a diet that is at least 95% raw fruit (the last 3 weeks). This means no dairy, no soy, no grains, no meat and no chocolate, no nuts. Cacao is really the only thing I'm missing at this point and my body feels really good with all of the fruit it's been getting and my skin is clearer than it's been my whole life. Since energy isn't wasted converting(digesting) proteins to simple sugars, and complex sugars to simple sugars a lot of energy is left over to apply to healing and regeneration. Your body converts everything you eat into simpler sugars. Fruit is one of the cleanest types of fuel you can put into your body, without the residues of some more complex foods it will actually draw out debris from your body.
I teach hot yoga so I can't do a dry fast and mentally I don't think I'm strong enough to go without food yet. I am using a lot of determination with my diet, and fortunately I enjoy fruit so that's made it a little easier to look forward to meal times. My appetite is great. I don't miss the sardines, eggs, bone broth at all and my fingernails are actually stronger now that I am vegan. The scar underneath my right breast is almost invisible so I can see physical evidence that my body is healing faster than it was before. The cyst that formed in the left breast last year has disappeared. I was told after the MRI/ultrasound at the end of the year that I had a cyst in my left kidney and my left ovary so I'm also hoping the diet will help to clear up those concerns as well. This diet is also good to prevent MS/Parkinson's/Heart disease which I was told I have the gene's for. Once I can get organic grapes I will probably shift to a grape fast and bring it up a notch.
I am doing the regenerative detoxification protocol that Dr. Robert Morse developed after over 45 years working in a clinic helping people like me and much worse. Most of his patients are still alive after his program which is why I wanted to try it. I would love to meet him in person someday. I started the first kit and a day into it I was feeling really good it started very gentle and the experience is better than any cleanse or fast I've tried before. It includes 5 herbal tinctures and 3 different capsules that I take about 15 minutes before a meal, the focus of the first kit is to get the kidney's filtering better, support the endocrine system and get the bowels moving along with some herbs to control parasites. Yes, westerners can have parasites. If it feels like it's moving too fast I can eat cooked vegetables or add some green juice drinks or veggies as I wish. The quality of the herbs is excellent, and I really love his "heal all" tea.
I was joking earlier today that you never realize how full of shit you were until you decide to take on a cleanse or fast for awhile. I won't provide any pictures at this point but I will say that I've had a super restricted diet since January. A few days into the herbs I started having old cravings for foods I haven't eaten since I was diagnosed in January of 2016. I knew I was getting ready for a big release when I had a dream about pizza and started getting a rash on my right hand. I love food and it's been a challenge to watch what I eat every meal, every day for the past 16 months but I can live & heal with fruit and vegetables. I haven't had any caffeine or other stimulants for energy in months so that says a lot to me. My energy & emotions have been calm and steady.
On the 6th day of the herbs/tinctures I had a series of bowel movements that were full of grayish putrid matter clinging to the regular looking stools that I had grown accustomed to seeing with my fruit diet and it smelled like rotting matter. Gross, but true. The layer of mucous was at least 1/4 thick and I know it's only the beginning. I've done other cleanses before and I had never seen anything come out like that before. It felt like space was cleared out on the left side toward the area where the descending colon moves into the sigmoid colon, I even felt a tingling sensation in the left hip joint that radiated down the left side of my foot after this happened. It's amazing the body awareness a high vibrational diet gives you. I also have noticed openness behind my ears and down my neck and throat, my hearing has improved in my right ear--it's amazing.
I took care of the rash on my hand by putting some herbs from the tea I've been drinking and it took care of it right away. I used to have eczema(chronic lymph congestion)as a kid so I expect maybe more skin stuff will come up during the detox since old symptoms can revisit you when you do a deep cleanse. I'm grateful that I live in a state where I have access to organic fresh fruit at this time of year, I had some amazing watermelons a couple weeks ago in addition to the organic wild blueberries, bananas, mangoes. I'm still taking time to meditate every day, learn something new everyday and get out in the sunshine at least 15 minutes everyday. I am a happier person than I was and I think that counts for something even if it's intangible.
I am planning on getting more medical tests after I complete this protocol in 13 weeks. As you know the medical tests are quite expensive, even with medical insurance and insurance doesn't cover food, herbs or procedures that aren't chemo and radiation for cancer. The kits are fairly priced but they are beyond my means to purchase by myself. If you would like to support my journey you can make a donation through this site and your prayers are always welcome. I'm grateful that your support has given me the opportunity to walk this path a step at a time in the way that resonates with my inner guidance. Thank you for contributing to my health fund and for supporting me while I take the road less traveled. I've been in an interesting head space the past couple months, doing lots of research on the herbs that I'm taking and I feel like I've got a fresh start as I move into the days and weeks ahead.
Thank you for your support it's working!
Posted on April 10, 2017
Posted on April 10, 2017Retrograde update :)
Briefly coming out of hermit mode to give an update about my journey. Thank you for your kind words and support.
Here's a link to an update I created earlier today Jen's video update