Posted on June 3, 2017
While I wouldn't characterize myself as a worrier, I am very type-A in thinking through the endless possible outcomes of a situation. I have worked hard to keep in faith that God knows exactly what I'm going through and has every door ready to open- in His timing. Some days, it's easier to trust than others. Some days I don't talk to anyone, my phone stays in my room on silent and I hang with my remote control and my friends (including Jesus) don't hear from me. Some days, all I can do is talk to God about those endless possibilities.
It was easier to believe in the beginning that I was going to be ok. I mean, I've been sick before, I've had many infections since 1999 when I moved to CA. Sinus, bronchial, pneumonia, sepsis, kidney, UTI, phlebitis, cellulitis, staph, strep, clostridium difficile...to name a few ;) I've also had migraines, been so swollen none of my pants would go on my legs and so sick to my stomach I couldn't move. I've done my best to listen to my body and rest as needed. But no one has ever found out what is 'wrong' with me underneath it all.
In December 2015 I thought I figured it out! Allergies. Extreme food and environmental allergies causing systemic inflammation and infection as the chronic sinusitis was not in check. I tested positive for 85 of 110 things tested for. That was until March 2016 when my leg became the focus of my troubles. Cellulitis. Out of nowhere. Overnight. Ulceration. Deeper infection (staph). Wound care. Six months of hard antibiotics. One month of runaround from multiple specialists. Re-infections for 3+ more months.
The right doctor! A vascular surgeon recognizes the swelling symptoms. He cites lymphedema as my issue.
Research. Research. Research.
Diagnoses: Lymphedema, Lipedema, Lymphocytopenia, Venous Reflux.
Treatment plan: surgery to remove Lipedema which should relieve pressure on lymph and blood vessels.
You'd think that would be enough to deal with but then add in being unable to go to work since my second hospitalization (May 2016) and it stings. I was so grateful that I was able to receive short term disability - it kept the worrying down. I was able to, even though it was only partial salary, I was able to keep up.
This continued to help me trust.
In April of this year, I had a day where everything hit me- I had new infections and medical issues that required more specialists. Now, surgery wasn't my only necessity. I had just one more month of disability payments (no extension options, etc). My savings dwindled to nothing and I really felt the pressure. I started seeing rainbows and was reminded that God is good and always was and always will be my provider.
In May, people continued to have pity on me and sympathize with my story and pray for my circumstances.
I got sicker. I came down with a major intestinal infection.
I got even sicker. I came down with two infections on top of the c.diff) infections.
My disability payments stopped.
My doctor won't release me to go back to work (I can't blame him, I have a contagious infection and can barely stand five minutes at a time).
Yet I keep trying to lead with faith and trust that the God who created me KNOWS. He cares. He has a plan for my life.
I ask for deliverance daily. I pray for open doors. I actively seek direction so I can get well.
I keep thinking of all the ways God 'could' deliver me. I dream that there's a plan in action that I can't even conceive! I am hopeful. I am trusting. I am waiting.
In the meantime, I work daily to lay it down at the foot of the cross. Today, all I can to take steps I think will open the next door.
I want to be like the birds who don't even question. Who don't have to wonder. I can't help but wonder though if birds had to deal in currency, I wonder if they'd still fly about with no cares.
Tonight, I'm trying not to worry about where I'll sleep after next month when I'll have to move out of my house (with my grumpy cat) and how I will 'keep up' now that incoming funds have ceased.
Next week I have some major testing to determine from what some of the intestinal issues are stemming. I'm hopeful I'll get more answers.
I want to be like Job and keep faithful, knowing there are wars being fought that I can't see. That my life is in good hands. I have had a few moments where I've cried out that it was too much. Asking why. Asking if God thinks he's funny. He comforted me.
I don't know what's behind the next door, but I know God is good.
I continue to ask for prayer for all my needs. Sharing my story is also another way to support me on my journey. Read more here: Carrie's Blog
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.