Interrelationship rape and assault are some of the most underreported crimes in America.
I didnt even realize I had been raped until I sat in a Planned Parenthood, looked into the eyes of a Social Worker, and she asked me:
"Ammo, were you raped by your partner?"
At the time, I thought that if you were in a relationship, you couldn't be raped. Given my intensely conservative upbringing as a Mormon I believed that rape was only something that happened between strangers on episodes of Law and Order: SVU. I thought: "This could never happen to me."
And then, it happened.
In November of 2016 I was raped in my own bed by my former partner. I remember saying "no" and "I don't want to" but my partner insisted that he was going to "make me take it" and teach me "how to be a man."
It was painful. It was mortifying. And it was non-consensual. And yet: I still didn't know that it was rape.
As I sat across from the Social Worker and the memory of the incident resurfaced, tears started to well up in the corners of my eyes.
"You can't be raped by someone who cares about you, right?" I asked her.
She put her hand on my knee and said: "Rape can happen to anyone, by anyone. Sometimes it is the people closest to us who hurt us the most."
On this season on MTV's 'The Challenge', fans got to see every step of my journey towards recovery. I did 'The Challenge' to prove to myself that I was strong-- that I could do anything. I wanted to show myself, my ex partner, and the world that I was the master of my mind and my body and that NO ONE could take my spirit away from me.
As many of you saw in the most recent episode, I have a lot of healing still left to do. Unfortunately during the sand wrestling match I had a very intense episode of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). While underneath my opponent, my mind triggered memories of my assault and I was left in a state of panic leaving me totally paralyzed.
I left the show the next day and came back to New York to start immediate recovery. Since then, I have been focused on taking better care of myself and working hard to get the medical and psychological help I need.
As many of you know, making music has helped me heal more than anything else. Because of this I am asking my friends, fans, and family to donate so that I can both continue to make my music and get the continued help and support I need.
Anything helps! Your contributions (be they big or small) will go a long way towards support and healing!
Lastly-- if you or someone you know is being abused by a partner, PLEASE do not make the mistake I did and stay silent. NO ONE has the right to hurt you or make you do things that you don't want to do.
Trust me when I say: RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. Sometimes all it takes is reaching out and simply saying:
"I need help."
HOW YOU CAN HELP:
Share my story! Share your story! Contribute if you can! Your donations help support my ongoing therapy, my music, and help to alleviate some of the financial stress associated with recovery!
Follow my journey: